Date me

What I'm like

I'm curious about people. My favourite thing is working out what makes someone tick: what they value, where their views come from, what they'd never say at a dinner party. I ask a lot of questions. I've been told I make people feel understood, which is the nicest thing anyone says to me.

I love hosting. I run a board game night every Monday and throw themed parties. My birthday this year was a pill party. Guests came dressed as red, blue, white or black, and there was a cake for each colour. A friend and I are planning one themed around Freudian defence mechanisms. You'd be invited.

I'm social on purpose. Being around people makes me happier than almost anything, so I plan for it: trivia, a reading group, ACX meetups, poker. LessOnline this year was the most fun I've had in years.

I try to be kind on purpose, too. I write and mail actual cards. I keep a list of birthdays and put real thought into presents. I give compliments freely, strangers included. I visit my granny every two months.

I'm softer than I look on paper. In my early twenties I half-believed I was a cold person, because I didn't relate to how other people talked about morality. Then I noticed I cry at videos of strangers getting engaged. It turns out I'm the opposite. Other people's feelings hit me hard.

I love a good debate. Philosophy, economics, evolutionary psychology, game theory. I get animated, and I'm told it can come across as intense. I promise I'm just having fun. I like being shown a better argument, and I'll change my mind when I hear one.

I'm systematic to a slightly comic degree. I take an unreasonable number of supplements and have opinions about absorption timing. In my early twenties I tracked my dates in a document and applied the secretary problem to them. I can design a murder with an accurate toxicology report, but I can't decide whether to pack an umbrella.

I write. Essays for Substack, mostly on self-deception, dating, and why everyone is wrong about parenting. Poetry, which I struggle to publish because of perfectionism.

Other things I like. Dark literary fiction. Strange, artsy films; Yorgos Lanthimos is a favourite. Meditation, on and off since 2017. Thrifting. A really well-planned party.

One thing to know. I'm not great at showing interest early, and I rarely make the first move. If I'm still talking to you, that's a good sign. If you like me, saying so plainly will work much better than hinting.

Who I'm hoping to meet

Someone I can really talk to. This is the big one. I want conversations where I'm challenged and learn things, where we can disagree and both enjoy it, and where neither of us has to filter much. You're curious, about ideas and about me, and you make it easy to open up.

Someone secure. You can hear "I think you're wrong" without it becoming a whole thing, and you can say it back to me. You're honest with yourself about your flaws and kind about mine.

Someone with a life I'd want to join. Friends, interests, things you're building. I'd love to be invited into your world and to bring you into mine. If you like people and parties, even better.

Someone decisive and capable. You're good at something, and you take care of things. Being around you feels calm.

Someone who likes that I'm a bit much. Strategic, competitive, opinionated, soft underneath. I'd like to be with someone who enjoys that rather than puts up with it.

You don't need to be vegan, a rationalist, or have views on anything above. We do need to find each other attractive. I've given up trying to predict that in advance.

What I'm like as a partner

Loyal. I'm ride-or-die for a small number of people, and I'd want you at the top of that list.

Thoughtful. I remember birthdays, plan things, notice what you like, and make a fuss.

Encouraging. I like lifting people up, and I'd be your loudest supporter.

A teammate. I love to plot, analyze and strategize, and I'd love to do that about our life. I also cook, and I'll happily host your friends.

The practical stuff

What I want. A life partner. Someone to build a life around.

Monogamy. My ideal is some degree of openness, but I could be happily monogamous with the right person. It's a conversation, not a condition.

Kids. Undecided, leaning yes. If I do, I'd like to use a surrogate, and I'm interested in embryo selection. I know that's unusual, so I'd rather say it up front.

Where. Toronto for now, then the US in 2027. Austin and the Bay Area are the front-runners, and the right person could tip it. I'm happy to talk before then wherever you are.